janelebenson.

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 07:57:41 GMT

"i'm not of the percent you think survives."
but that is just it, she thought of the future...sweaters are still nonchalant in the midst of ninety degree and above weather. the doctor's stares break the patient confidentiality rights i have because i carry them in my stomach's pit through the next eight hours out beyond the office door.
my brain swims a different stroke these days.

my flight to hell has been delayed by an expensive black bracelet.

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 08:21:38 GMT

jenelle and janele are the best bitches you have ever met, get ahold of yourself , your welcome

love jenelle

HONESTLY...

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 11:20:25 GMT

even though i must admit i looked pretty hot... if you were my ex boyfriend and we never got along, if we had just stayed up all night and i wouldn't let you go to work because i missed you, proceeded to drink your dads' most expensive whiskey and then puked in your bed... would you change the sheets then make a smartass comment and even after all that carry me through every room in the house to make sure we christened them with hot love? i don't even think i'd be that forgiving. this one goes out to steven j. who altered quite a bit of my opinions this weekend.

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 21:06:09 GMT

if i dont call back, chances are i might not ever.
if i say i hate you, i won't fuck you in three days. or ever again.
i may be home for christmas.

nate//bry//steven Q//kevinT//kevinVDiSEASE// + all my women...
I couldn't ask for better friends.
Balls.

Sun, 29 May 2005 17:03:41 GMT

he looked me in the eyes and without speaking, said: "choose your weapon wisely."
i cheated and chose four... innocence, beauty, rough sex and cocaine.
i gloated in the winners circle for 37 days.
i'd forgotten he had the right to his own weapons.

Sun, 15 May 2005 00:23:59 GMT

and you are a reminder.
they are all a reminder...
yes i will grow old alone.,
yes i would stab yuo if i had the chance/
instead ill take myslef to there.
fuck you/

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 03:27:57 GMT

Jeff and I stayed at the local Redford bar quite some time after the work day ended. I had an appointment to file taxes, and he, well, had to head an hour home to a life he claims is discouraging. Almost ten years older to the day, though it goes unmentioned. He asks about my clogged sinuses. To make a point of a depressing subject I ask about his girlfriend. Another hour goes by and we're trading short black stories of cocaine and sleeping in separate beds for two years. Three beers evolve into seven each. Halfway through the seventh beer there's a small wave of silence. i realize once again as i usually do before drunk meets temporary sleep the natural querks of every human to judge and be selfish. After three seconds of blurry bullshit blow over, I'm brought back to notice his eyes never left mine. I don't remember speaking aloud, but he agreed to my thoughts anyway. That point then, I believe six thirty, it was laid out in front of me, a magic trick on a table. an accident. Such a beautiful gasoline rainbow. Growing up. Turning a temporary hell permanent. Watching people die, tearing relationships to shreds, crashing cars. Being used, abusing and being abused, using others.... Jeff laughed that laugh of his and i smiled. Then I took a big look around. Not just a deep self analyzation but the earth and it's whole nine yards. Sure we could all consider ourselves lucky, but it's boring and not the trend. He lives with her, and he loves her and hates her and they're dead as a whole. He's worked his whole life to become chronically ill. He's blinded by a heroes mistakes. I'm born into and undertaken with and by a deadbeat genepool. "Why do you think I drink more than I eat a square meal a day?" I also come to terms with the older not being wiser at this point. Well, another hour later after talk of work and dark secrets was played out we said out goodbyes.
I was still drunk and went to my grandpa's old house. Not one part of the property looked familliar so i sat down and cried. If this growning older horseshit doesn't come to an end, i might just end up ending it on accident as a result of numbing the consequenses of one year farther.
Jeff's eyes vary from day to day now, from ignorant to yearning, and it's just apart of this cycle. Going off the deep end and slamming face first into the bottom of the bottle is exceptable. It goes up to go down. And i can only shrug and realize what i've figured is inevitable.

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 12:05:39 GMT

you know what i think?
i think it's over here.
i'll have to break a lot of promises just to push through the crowd.
if this is how it boils down, then i don't want to experience much longer.
sex drugs rock and roll.
careless guys and fast cars.
it's unfortunate my heart stayed in tact this weekend.
it works out to have a full awake 48 hours to relive my sickness.
i'm too young to be too alone.
no friends broken family ill parents.
and guys that leave you on a doorstep like a deformed baby.
i am sick.
i am dying.
i am addicted.

and i if i'm going to be forgotten im not going to stay here and watch it.
i guess this is goodbye.

(thanks for saturday)

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 22:55:34 GMT

you are gone because i used the eraser.
you are a shrug of a blurry memory. (who is which does not mean)
you came and went after seven days. (as much as you do forcefully less)
you left because you wanted, and fighting is a weakness. (love is an awkward word)
i left you and i am not that sorry. (blissful insanity)
you came back again, but not in that order. (you have to hold the rewind button down)

you are here.
i must be where the little arrow points to inside the bright colors of the directory.

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 07:10:07 GMT

im at erics and i must say.... bry and cassie i got a lot out of the way and off my chest. dave your birthday was awesome and thank youmg guys and i love you.

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 07:07:45 GMT

a notebook will suffice this train of thought, thank you for the offer anyway.

Sat, 08 Jan 2005 02:56:36 GMT

i feel so fucking weird///
not from working a straight sixteen hours...

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 01:27:01 GMT

extra special thank you for cassie verras for sharing with me her secret talent to make the best vegan meal ever and eating it in record timing. i love her, that cassie.

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 01:19:37 GMT

maybe i should have stayed at bryan's, where comfort was so close to infinite. my heart got the better of my head, my mind the better of my brain. there was so much to take in last night. i know what it feels like to be the center of attention. hateful attention. they can try as hard as they want, but i know i wasn't the murderer. or danielle...watching this girl i wonder if i've ever been that drunk. then i remember falling off the bar and the urge to place judgement passed as quickly as it came. watch where you sleep, sob in your car, breaking and entering just make sure they don't touch you. thank you doug, zack, neil, dan and meg for having the ability to overlook the values of a life long friendship and admit the wrong. to greg for this statement "new year's is the one and only holiday where the entire world is partying, don't hate it, i love it."
i slept in the warmest place. Ronan refused to be left out.
i don't know where the nerves come from, it should just be so natural.
my fingers traced over his like braille, reading scars of hard work and a steady pulse. i wanted to explore deep through every layer of skin and i didn't dare open my eyes unless they were looking to meet his. and later he laughed and i smiled.
and for eight steady hours i lay wide awake in bed, not even getting up to go to the bathroom, and listened to him sleep. thinking of how purity only shows itself in small quantities every full moon.
i need to leave this state.

Sat, 25 Dec 2004 22:18:24 GMT

everything is broken. smashed. disgusting.
i know who is to blame.

merry christmas.

(telling myself it's not as hard as it seems....)

Sun, 19 Dec 2004 08:18:50 GMT

if i had the ultimate choice to do anything right now
that i decided...it would be to...
drink coffee and
smoke cigarettes and talk until my jaw hurt
with
digga. the
end.

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 01:30:41 GMT

yes there are two paths, you can go back, but in the long run there is still time to change the road you're on.

dear brandon,
no you are not going to read this. but i cannot stop thinking about what you said on saturday night. i can't even remember your sister's name. but i know how she died and what holes she left behind. and i need you to know that i think of her every single day. it's so very unfortunate that the mistakes people make to cause them their lives are the ones that effect others to change. i'm so sorry. it's so shitty. and you shouldn't have to carry that around with you. but it contributed to me being alive today; so if you can take anything positive out of this... as much as i wish it didn't have to be this way. thank you. i love you. and i'm reminded everyday.
love,
janele.

taking an inventory of my life this weekend alone, i need a change of scenery or a lot of help.

Fri, 10 Dec 2004 05:38:06 GMT

im sick.
really sick.
so i'll go for a walk.
look forward to flying?
sure.
what year is it?
as if you didn't know.
why aren't you working anymore?
i got a man fired for sexual harrassment.
oh.
yes.
are you high?
not naturally, no.
oh.
why do you look like that?
my skin is causing discomfort in my head.
i have a question now...
yes? go ahead.
what is the fear of people called?
like the general public?
no. relationships, eye contact, you know... closer than.

i don't know.
thanks anyways.
yeah...sorry.

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 01:14:48 GMT

i've got a one way ticket for across the country.
in three months i'll have already said my goodbyes.
i'm tired.
tired of dead end streets.
tired of waking up.
tired of cheap drugs that take me to the glory of the seventies.
tired of expensive drugs that take me to the pain of realizing that i'm three decades too late.
tired of waking up drunk.
not knowing where i am or caring too much about it.

i'm starting over in Boca Raton.

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 16:55:29 GMT

i just stopped by to pay him ten dollars.

though i owe you slightly more.

but don't worry, we can still be friends when i have time.

...

i'll just sleep on the couch.

no, you can sleep in my bed.

just to wake up with my eyes glued shut and leave without knowing every time will be the last.

...

lucky number i lost count fifteen.

make or break your name, live or shame your life.

...

new orleans two weeks.
florida february.
laguna beach april.
hawiaii a year from three months and twelve days.

maybe i'll find a new home.

"my place is not a home..it don't make no difference; i've found i need a place to stay. disease was just the price to pay."

...
...

at least now no one to tell me no.

and i don't so much mind the nose bleeding anymore. xo

Sun, 24 Oct 2004 19:26:44 GMT

one good thing about music : when it hits you, you feel no pain.
(and i am totally in love.)

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 20:40:34 GMT

i see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes.
i have to turn my head until the darkness goes.

9/31/04 to 10/1/04

Sun, 03 Oct 2004 15:59:17 GMT

to think at 9:00p.m. there was no sign of life.
i made these decisions, simple, yet life changing...
then the floor started to quiver.
then the alcohol tasted like the fountain of youth.
the rainbow poured all over the place. the snakes, and never ending depth perception.
the technicolor static that followed me everywhere.
the sky and the lightning that never took place.
and the music... the music made me travel back twenty years before i was born.

i think my heart exploded twice.

and it didn't matter that they didn't take notice two weeks prior.

because that night it was me verse the world. and jumping alone meant surviving the only way i kew how.

subject: rule breaking and opposite sex friendships.

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 18:22:10 GMT

1. falling in love with a one night stand. that's twice a broken heart and a set up for a depressing fall.
2. beer.
3. on being somebody's bitch...
4. i can't be that terrible.
5. two fucked up and one gets the picture.
6. lyrics from grade under the radar and violent femmes
7. totally destroyed the meaning of one of my all time favorite songs
8. can't guys and girls be friends...
9. i wonder if being twenty one improves anything
10. i think i'll go vomit and then sleep now.

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 21:18:42 GMT

drawing blanks. naked artistry, and you figure i've got nothing left to lose. maybe i have more than i thought. and if his neck was in correct alignment it might have been a yesterday forward. for you'd think only maybe it could be alright. he said she'd said this. it was only ten a.m. strange happiness strange clothes strange injuries. the guards have been kicked down; walls no more. pose this way the world has you on a coffee table, just pages flipped hidden. oh, smile. this IS YOUrs. model, you pedestal. sedate. diagnostics. coming last is no longer an option. living open winged. of course, the minds eye shuts off as involuntary as struggle in water tying cement shoes to the ocean floor sand.
i will be the last to breath. no questions ask.
i will be the first and last to leave.